Tired
by bandgrad2008
Summary: Something happened on Christmas that Jade hates to remember, but it's her fault. And she's tired of being alone.


**Disclaimer: I highly doubt that if I had a tree, that I'd be getting Victorious for Christmas...**

**A/N: First off, MERRY CHRISTMAS! I'm spending mine _mostly_ alone, which I am right now...But it should be better later. Second, I decided to write a somewhat Christmas one-shot. Okay, so it takes place on Christmas, but it's not exactly holly jolly happy fun times. Come on, you know me. Angst. **

**So enjoy your Christmas and hopefully this...**

**BTW: I am so far behind on writing Break, Culpable, and the next chapter of Rant and I won't be updating those until at least January 1st. That way I can get ahead (hopefully). But I'll try and get a few one-shots out.**

**(An error was called to my attention. There are no actual changes, just the correction.)**

My alarm blares against the silence of my bedroom and I sigh, turning it off. I lie there in bed for a few minutes, which eventually turns into an hour, before I finally roll out of bed and get dressed. My apartment is quiet, the noise outside enough to give me a headache. Today is my least favorite day of the year, what with all its holly jolly bullshit. I'll be spending it alone _again_, but I don't mind.

Okay, that's a lie.

I hate spending Christmas alone, but it's my fault that I am, so I have nothing to say. Everyone left me because of some stupid mistake, and I hate myself for driving them all away. Hell, I hate driving anymore and I'm never doing it again. Because really, what's the point? Driving leads to hurting people and drinking while driving…Just forget it.

My cell phone rings and I glance at the caller ID. It's Beck. For the first time in six years, he's calling me. I don't know whether he's going to talk to me or yell at me, and I really don't want to talk to him. My finger adds pressure to the _mute_ button and I toss my phone onto the kitchen counter. A few minutes after he hangs up, my phone rings again. This time it's Cat. Why are they so intent on bothering me on Christmas?

Hell, it's not like I actually have anything to do.

I grab the key to my apartment and step out into the hall, locking the door behind me. The lobby is decorated for the holidays, and it makes me sick. The doorman just stares at me while I walk out onto the street. He doesn't say anything because he knows; it's like everyone knows. I take a deep breath and head on foot to the opposite end of town, taking my time because I have nothing better to do today, and even though this is important, I'm not rushing. I don't want to face my mistake.

But I have to.

And that's the part that sucks the most. This is my fault and I have to apologize. I've done this every Christmas for the past six years, since I've lost everyone else and I felt that I had to. The streets are crowded with cars going places and the sidewalks are even more crowded. It's easy to get lost in this crowd and no one pays attention to me. That's definitely something I don't mind at all.

There's a weird feeling in the air, like something is going to happen today, but I don't know if it's good or bad. It's like I'm supposed to know that I'm going to be making a decision today or something. And believe me I'm tired of making decisions. They rarely turn out pleasant anymore.

I reach my destination and push the gate open, walking between headstones and following the familiar path to the one I'm here for. As I grow closer, I hear a voice, touched with tears, and I almost turn away and run. There's no way…I stare at the back of a brunette head as the girl goes on about something, and I can hear her voice breaking. I stand there, debating whether to pretend I was never here or to wait for her to finish.

"Jade?" Shit, she's seen me. My eyes meet hers, and she frowns. "What are you doing here? What _right_ do you have to be here?" The words are a knife to my heart, but I deserve them. She stands and clenches her fists. "You don't belong here. Did you come here just…?"

I stand my ground, despite the dizziness. "I've been coming here every Christmas since it happened. Where the hell have _you_ been?" I shake my head. "Look, I just came to tell him I was sorry, like I do every year because I know. I know I fucked up more than anything, and I don't need you telling me that."

She turns back to the headstone and touches it with a quick murmur of words. When she faces me again, her eyes are softer, but she's not forgiving me. "Make it quick. We're going somewhere." I frown and she grabs my wrist, pulling me to her previous position. I've never seen her like this, but to know that it's because of me hurts even more. For years I wanted to break her down, but this…I didn't want this.

I kneel at Andre's headstone and sigh. "Hey, Andre, it's another Christmas, and I'm back. I know I've said it so many times, but I'm sorry for what I did. If anything, it should be me lying here, not you. I don't feel like I deserve to live, not for that stupid mistake I made. And Vega's not forgiving me, so you shouldn't either. Hell, it could have been her in the ground too. I just…I'm sorry."

I stand and look to Vega, whose arms were crossed and a fierce look spread on her face. She was a hurricane now, ready to strike at any possible moment. I swallow and pass her to leave, but she stops me at the gate. "Come on. We need to talk." I nod and slip into the passenger seat of her car. She drives to the coffee shop nearby, and we choose a booth in the back of the shop. We need the privacy. "We both know what you did. Actually, a lot of people know what you did, but that's beside the point. You disappeared six years ago. How do you think that made me feel, Jade?"

"How it made _you_ feel? You threw a fucking coffee cup at my head, Vega." She has no right telling me that _that_ was my fault, that I just left. She told me she never wanted to see me again.

She frowns. "I was pissed off because of what happened." She looks away. "We've had bigger fights than that, Jade. Why was that the one to send you away? Just because I told you I never wanted to see you again? How many times have I fucking said that?" I've _never_ heard Vega curse. Not even all those times that we fought, or when she was extremely pissed off, never. She's just not that person. "I tried to find you. I thought I almost did, but then you disappeared again." I moved to another apartment when I saw her one day. "Why?"

"I thought you hated me, Tori. After what I did, I wouldn't have blamed you. Everyone else did."

"I'm not everyone else. And yes, I should have hated you. But I couldn't. I don't forgive you for what you did, but I needed you to know that I didn't want you to disappear. It was hell, Jade. Every time my heart beat, it felt like it was going to break. And it did. It broke so many times because you weren't there, and I'm so tired of trying to find you. I'm tired of what we were before, always fighting when we both know we shouldn't be."

"Yeah, well, relationships aren't a walk in the park, Vega. You knew that when you said yes. You knew it when Beck and I were together, and you knew it when Cat broke up with me. So what would have made us any different?" Before I can stop her, Vega's standing and leaning across the table, her fist clenched in the front of my shirt and her lips on mine. And God, I missed this. "I'm sorry for what I did."

"Jade, please." Her eyes are begging me to go back to her, and I don't know if I can. But I nod anyway, knowing that I have to. I can't stand this, being away from her all the time. It's been far too long. She kisses me again and we drink our coffee, discussing what we've missed in each other's lives for six years.

It isn't perfect, but it's Christmas, and we're together. We'll just figure out everything else when we get there.


End file.
